It's Always Darkest
by A Rogue Slayer
Summary: Set after Crush--or how I wish it had gone! COMPLETE!
1. Default Chapter

Setting: Immediately after Crush-my wishful thinking anyway!  
  
Disclaimers: "Joss, can Spike and Buffy come out and play?" Oh, they're grounded. Guess we'll have to sneak them out, but since I don't get any money for this, it's gonna be some cheap fun!  
  
Feedback: I crave it like Spike craves blood! Pretty please!!!  
  
********  
  
Spike stared through the beveled glass plates on the door. He could see Buffy's form moving away, up the stairs. He stared until he couldn't see her anymore. The reality of it had hit him when he saw her face as she coolly closed the door on him. She had never thrown such a powerful punch. Never landed one so hard and square. As he backed slowly off the porch, the aching began in his stomach. By the time he got to the sidewalk, it had climbed up into his throat. Walking down the dark street, he didn't fight the tears. But with a clinched jaw, he refused to cry out. Even though everything animal in him wanted to, he kept it at bay.  
  
When he reached his crypt, his head was aching from all the thoughts racing around. 'Why? Why can't she admit the feelings I know she has inside? What else could I have done? Or am I just fooling myself? I knew I could never have her, but to hear it from her...she's disgusted with me...loathes me...'  
  
"BLOODY HELL!!!" he shouted to no one as he slammed the crypt door shut. "What does it TAKE?! You bleedin' women are going to be the death of me! Dru, I gave you everything inside me. I let you rebuild me into the Big Bad I am today. I let you take my sodding SOUL, for God's sake! And then you LEAVE me!," Spike yells at nothing. He turns around fast, pointing a finger.  
  
"And then YOU, Slayer. You nest in my heart while we're trying to kill each other. I didn't ask for it, that's for sure. But it's here, nonetheless. You set up shop and changed me. I mean, I can't even stand human blood anymore, because all I taste is the venom of your disapproval. I'm a SODDING VAMPIRE! And I can't feed on humans anymore, even dead ones, because *the Slayer wouldn't like it.* How's that feature, boys and girls? A vamp who's at the whim of a Slayer." Spike sighed loudly and fell into his chair.  
  
'What does she want? What would it take? It can't just be because I'm a vamp. She had it bad for the big poof. Or maybe that's it. Maybe she doesn't want another vamp boyfriend. Maybe GI Joe made her want humans.' This thought made Spike roll his eyes and grab his bottle of scotch. He took a long drink, felt the pungent sting roll down his throat and settle in his stomach. 'No, there's no way she prefers humans. She does need a little monster in her man.' Spike smiled a little as he remembered telling Riley as much. And the gratifying look on Riley's face when he realized Spike was right. 'Even Captain Cardboard knew it was true. So why can't Buffy see it? What is it that keeps her from feeling *some*thing for me?'  
  
Spike chuckled a little as he finished off the bottle. He knew what it was... 'A soul. Angel had a soul. Buffy said I didn't know what feelings were and that I couldn't love. She's wrong, dead wrong. She thinks I need a soul to love her. If I could only make her understand what I do feel. But no, she won't hear it. She's shut me out. But I have to know. I have to know if that's all that's holding her back from admitting...admitting maybe there's a small chance somewhere down the line...that I could be hers...she could be mine... But I'm just torturing myself. I can never have my soul back. And I certainly don't want it if it means I can never be with Buffy. And...if I get my soul back...will I change? Angelus was a bleedin' cruel son of a bitch. Didn't feel anything but malice, even for Darla and Dru. But evil mic gets his soul back and he's the biggest soddin' poofter I've ever seen. He was able to love Buffy with his soul. More importantly, she was able to love him. But I already love her. What will happen to me? Will I become William again? There was nothing slightly 'Big Bad' about him. And that's what Buffy needs. I can tell it's what she's crying out for inside. She feeds on the darkness. She got a taste of it with Angel and now she's dying for it. It's why her tin soldier could never touch her. Not inside. Where her own darkness lives. But if I had my soul again...would I still be enough for her? Or would it just push out every dark thing that's left...all that the Slayer's mere existence hasn't driven from me...Scared...scared to think about having a soul...scared to think about living the rest of my unnaturally long life without having her look at least once into my eyes with love and need instead of hate and disgust...Scared...' Spike's thoughts slowly gave way to sleep...with only her on his mind.  
  
Spike woke with a start...he heard creaking...his door. He spun around and up so fast his head felt light, probably more from the booze than actually getting up.  
  
"Buffy!" Spike said, quite surprised.  
  
Buffy seemed very uncomfortable, looking everywhere but at Spike.  
  
Spike's look of surprise melted into a softness not often seen in him.  
  
"What can I do for you, Slayer?" Spike looked at her with anticipation.  
  
"I just came to tell you...to apologize for earlier. I didn't need to be so mean to you. It's just...you really blindsided me with this, Spike," her gaze finally met his.  
  
"I know, Buffy. I'm sorry. I didn't plan it like that. I wanted to tell you so many times...but I never really knew how. And I know you don't want to hear this, but I can't just give up...with you...," Spike's voice trailed off and he closed his eyes, searching for the right thing to say so she wouldn't run out the door.  
  
A touch to his cheek made him open his eyes. She was touching him..looking at him... "Maybe you shouldn't...give up," Buffy said without smiling, but without the coldness of a few hours before. Spike raised his hand to touch hers on his face, but she pulled her hand away quickly. "Spike, I can't guarantee anything. And anything that happens...it's going to take a lot of time. I don't think I'm ready yet for something like this," Buffy shivered a bit and stepped away from Spike.  
  
Spike's soft countenance was beaming now. "That's all I need, Buffy. That's all I've ever needed from you. Some kind of hope, some bleedin' meaning to my existence."  
  
"Spike," Buffy called over her shoulder as she walked out of his crypt. "There's only one thing missing."  
  
Spike woke with the word 'soul' on his lips. He grimaced that it was only a dream. But he was determined now. No matter what happened, he had to know. Had to try with her. 'She's probably on patrol right now.'  
  
After trying two cemeteries, he found her at the Sunnydale Resting Grounds. She was sitting on a headstone, peeling bits off a stake.  
  
"Slayer," Spike said softly.  
  
Buffy turned with a start, stake at the ready. "Spike, what are you doing here? I thought I made myself pretty clear. Stay. Away. As in forever. Got it?" She glared at him as she turned away.  
  
"Slayer...Buffy, answer one question for me and I'll leave," his voice was still soft with affection, he seemed not to notice her seething anger.  
  
"I think I've put up with enough from you tonight. I can't believe you're here, trying to convince me to see something in you that doesn't exist. I mean, HELLO, you chained me up in a dungeon! It's not exactly the way to a woman's heart, ya know?"  
  
"Then teach me. Teach me how to get into your heart."  
  
"Oh my God, we are not having this conversation. Spike, I was serious. I want you to leave me alone."  
  
"One question...answer and I leave."  
  
"UGH! Fine, ask your question," Buffy's was red with anger and held her arms around herself tightly.  
  
"If I had a soul-"  
  
"You DON'T! You never will! Why are you doing this??"  
  
"IF I had a soul...could you find some small amount of feeling for me inside? Is there any possible way-"  
  
"NO! I've told you before and I'm tired of this. Spike...there will never be anything between you and I but my absolute hatred of your very existence."  
  
"Why? Tell me why, if I had a soul, you could never love me? You want to know the things Angel did when he *didn't* have a soul? I think you've seen he can be a rather naughty little puppy. Remember that teacher lady, girlfriend of Giles, I believe?"  
  
With that, Buffy punched him hard in the face. Spike reeled back, but then moved in closer to her. His head was swimming. He was in angry ecstasy. He loved it when she hit him...at least she was touching him. And if he knew he could strike a nerve with her, he knew that he had to matter a little to her...even just a little. Buffy punched him again, in the stomach. She began to walk away. Spike held his stomach and groaned.  
  
"Angel never loved you half as much as I do," he called to her.  
  
Buffy stopped and looked back at him incredulously. She couldn't believe he had the gall to say that. Spike sauntered towards her slowly, still holding his stomach with one arm. "He was a greedy bastard," Spike said as he ducked to miss another blow.  
  
"You will never be as good as Angel was. You can never love me that much," Buffy hissed. She walked away, hoping that would shut him up.  
  
"Oh yeah?" he called out to her. "If he loved you so much, how come he kept his soul to himself? If I had my soul back...I'd give it to you."  
  
Buffy hesitated for just a split second and kept walking. That was all he needed. That one fraction of a moment when he could see her wonder if he was right.  
  
"That's alright, luv. I've got time," Spike said after she was out of range. He lit up a cigarette, tilted his head and watched her walk away. The moonlight bounced off her leather pants and her blond hair and he hoped he was the only person in the world who could see it.  
  
"All the time in the world." 


	2. Proof

Buffy stalked out of the cemetery. When she passed the main gates, she looked back to make sure he hadn't followed her. She didn't sense any vamps around, but she never knew what to expect with Spike. 'Why had he said that? He couldn't mean it. He was *Spike*. A soulless creature. Words...it was all just words. No one could ever love me like Angel did. And he said he would *give* his soul to me. Like that's something you can give away. What did he mean? And why am I even thinking about this. It's Spike and one of his...what did Xander call it? Fevered daydream? Exactly. Spike can't love so just stop thinking about it because it's just one of his fantasies and why haven't I stopped thinking about it?'  
  
Spike sauntered back to his crypt with the biggest smirky smile he'd ever worn. It wasn't much, what he'd gotten out of his Slayer, but it was enough for now. More than he deserved, after that Drusilla debacle. He didn't know what he had been thinking. At the time, it just felt right. If he could just *show* Buffy how deeply he felt for her, she would have to accept it. And maybe even reciprocate. 'No, that will never happen. She's disgusted by me. I knew going in I never had a chance. But still...she gave some hope. Just a slight hitch in her step. Might be grasping at straws, but right now, straws are all I got.' Just as he reached his crypt, an impulse made him turn back. It was a stupid, suicidal whim, but Spike had never been one to play it safe.  
  
As he reached Revello Drive, he was shaking his head at his own foolishness. If he got caught lurking again, it would be a dusty end to a very long day. But he had such a desire to be near her, he had to go. As he reached her house, he looked up to her bedroom. The light was still on, and he could see her silhouette against the shade. He took a deep breath and steadied himself against a tree. He chuckled to himself that he had never breathed so much as he had since he met the Slayer. He lit a cigarette and just stood there, breathing in her scent that wafted out of the slightly open window. The cigarette hung forgotten between his fingers, as her unique aroma of vanilla and graveyard earth intoxicated him.  
  
Buffy had finally managed to get herself ready for bed, with minimal Spike thoughts. Just the idea of him grated her nerves and she had a huge desire to go back to his crypt and stake him. Just to be rid of the thorn in her side once and for all. She had learned to tolerate him with the chip-he was often helpful, for a price. She could ignore his cocky attitude and haphazard fighting style, so long as it didn't get anyone hurt. But she couldn't accept him thinking he had feelings for her. That would just be too damned much to take. Too much with Riley leaving, and her mother being sick. Too much, especially since he liked to show his love by chaining you up and threatening to kill for you. She remembered a couple years ago, when Spike had come back and kidnapped Xander and Willow. He said he was going to go make Dru love him again. "Find her, wherever she is. Tie her up, torture her, until she likes me again!" Buffy shivered at the thought. Definitely not the kind of love she was interested in. Sick, soulless vampire love.  
  
She shivered again, realizing a cool breeze was coming in from the window. She went to close it and got a whiff of smoke. Buffy's eyes narrowed. She grabbed her robe and headed downstairs. 'He's insane! I can't believe he would come here after everything. That's it. I'm going to have to kill him. It's the only way to be rid of him. He's not getting the message.' Before she opened the door, Buffy grabbed a stake that was sitting on a side table. She threw open the door and searched in the dark for him. She finally caught a glimpse of platinum hair by the big tree in the yard. She ran over to him and grabbed his coat lapels. Spike was snapped out of his mental reverie by a swift knee to the stomach.  
  
"Bloody hell, woman! What was that for?" Spike looked up at Buffy from his hunched position. She just raised her eyebrows at him. "Oh, right. The lurkin'. Well, I mean, not lurkin'. I just...well, you just left so fast, were so upset. I was worried that you'd be off your game. Lose your focus or whatnot. Wanted to make sure you got home safe and sound. See for myself that no big nasty got a hold of you." He finally was able to stand up straight. He tried to look very sincere, because he noticed the stake she was holding.  
  
"Spike, it takes more than the likes of you to throw me off my game. And as for my focus--it's never been clearer. This has to end. I'm giving you a choice right now. Either leave town and never come back, or I will kill you. You are dangerous and I won't have you around my family. You've proven more than once that you can work around the chip when you want to hurt people." Buffy glared at Spike, stake at the ready.  
  
Spike sighed and shook his head. "Pet, I didn't mean for you to get hurt. The thing with Drusilla...I was wrong, I'm sorry. And last year, with Adam. That was wrong, too. I realize that. I've changed from that man, can't you see that? Loving you has made me want to be better. I can't leave town without at least getting a chance to prove to you, somehow, that I do love you. If you give me that chance, and you still don't care at all about me...I'll leave." Spike dropped to his knees in front of her.  
  
Buffy looked at him with disgust. "I can't believe you...you're pathetic, do you know that? You're a *vampire*! And you're begging, on your knees, for the affection of a slayer. And what makes you think that I could ever even *like* you, after everything you've done? You've tried to kill me, my friends, I'm sure you'd just love a chance at Dawn and my mom."  
  
Spike jumped to his feet. "You take that back! You know I would never hurt your mum or Nibblet. I wouldn't hurt any of your friends. Buffy, you've changed me. Whether you like it or not, you're responsible for this thing that's happening to me. Just let me show you that I'm not that same man who tried to hurt you."  
  
"Fine! You want to show me you're different? You want to *prove* your love for me? There's only one way to do it." Buffy stood with her arms crossed.  
  
"Yes! Yes, Buffy, anything. I'll do anything to show you...to prove it all. Just a chance, it's all I need."  
  
"Sit here, on my porch, until the sun rises. Then as I'm sweeping your dust up in the morning, I'll know that you really did love me." Buffy's voice was filled with disdain. "And if you can't do that, well...either way, I don't ever want to see you again." Buffy turned and went back into the house.  
  
Spike could hear the clicking of the lock. 'Not that it's necessary against me,' he thought. 'I've really blown it. Should have just shut myself up in the crypt and got hammered. Never should have come here. I really *don't* have a chance with her. She thinks I want to hurt her, her family. And I can't just leave. Right, be tortured by the thought of her every day of my unlife. Dream about her every time I sleep. Can't do that. Can't live that way.' Spike shook his head and pulled out his flask. "Fine!" He said to nobody. "Bitch wants me to prove it, I'll prove it!" Spike sat down on the porch with a thud and took a long pull of bourbon.  
  
**  
  
TBC-if anyone likes! 


	3. Acceptance

Spike leaned against the porch railing, wishing he hadn't finished off his booze 3 hours ago. He'd spent the better part of the last hour trying to think of reasons not to love Buffy. His number one reason was that she was pretty damned heartless, asking him to kill himself for her. Of course he'd die for her, but he'd always hoped if he had to, it would be in a grand romantic gesture of her salvation. But, no, she was just sick of him, so she wanted him dust-or did she? Spike was pretty sure she didn't expect him to sit there all night, but he was bound to prove her wrong and prove his love once and for all. She'd be content if he just left town, but he certainly wouldn't be. 'And why does it always have to be about her? I've had a soddin' chip in my head for a year! I fell in love with the bleedin' Slayer, through no fault of my own. Unlife's been pretty cruel to me lately. I deserve some happiness, damnit!' But Spike knew his only happiness was in Buffy. Unfortunately, his plight to find reasons to not love Buffy only yielded the one, and most of his time was spent drowning in the reasons he did love her. He said them allowed just to break the silence of the night.  
  
"The way she fights...Her complete passion in everything she does. Her intensity. Her strength...The way she loves her family and friends. Her devotion to her duty. Every way she's changed since I was last in Sunnydale... Her smile. Her laugh, though I seldom hear it. Her beautiful, dangerous, sparkling eyes... Her lips. Her hips, and how they move when she's walking away from me-which is always. Her smooth, golden skin. Her bouncy, shiny hair. Her smell...god, that smell drives me crazy. The heat that radiates off her after battle. The way she punches me in the nose like she's not trying to hurt me, but more because it's just habit. The sound of my crypt door being slammed open by her. Her mum. Her sis. How much more mature she is in 20 years than I am in 120. Her unyielding sense of good, and complete rejection of evil." Spike sighed at this. "I love her because she'll never love me. Ain't that a kick in the head?"  
  
Speaking of heads, his was starting to hurt a little. He hadn't had enough booze to give him a hangover, so this type of headache, combined with the tingling he was getting, could mean only one thing. Sunup was approaching quickly. Spike closed his eyes and waited for his fate.  
Buffy had woken a little, thinking she was hearing voices. She quickly dismissed it and tried to fall back asleep. But the voices wouldn't go away. Or rather the one voice. 'Oh my god, don't tell me he's still out there. Idiot! Well, fine. He wants to be stupid, let him. Besides, he'll realize how close to dawn it is and he'll take off to the sewers.' Buffy tried to block out the sound, but she couldn't. And she was very curious as to what Spike was saying, most likely to himself. She got out of bed and walked to the window for a better listen. 'Her smell...god, that smell drives me crazy..' Buffy raised her eyebrows and listened intently to Spike's whole ode to her.  
  
"God, he really does love me. That's not possible. How can he...Well, maybe he doesn't *love* me. Maybe he just thinks, in his twisted vampire way, that he does." But Buffy had never heard such declarations from any of her former loves. All two of them. She was on mental overload trying to shake the rest of the sleep from her head, and contemplating the idea that a soulless, evil vampire could really love her. She felt sad for a fleeting moment that she didn't return his love. 'Uh, hello, this is *Spike* we're talking about. No loving, no thoughts of loving. He feels that way about you, it's just too bad.'  
  
Buffy silently wished that Spike could have said those things to her face without feeling the need to chain her up and threaten her with his ex. Reason 153 on a long list of reasons she would never have feelings for Spike. But Spike wasn't horrible. He had been useful. And he was certainly unique among the soulless vampires that Buffy had encountered. 'Why couldn't he just be clean cut evil, like all the vamps I dust daily? Why did he have to be hanging in limbo between evil and not so much? And why can't he be chipless, because I know he'd go back to killing and then I could just stake him without hesitation. And why do I hesitate now? He's killed tons of people, he deserves to die. But he's poor, defenseless Spike. Can't just kill him.'  
  
Buffy was now getting a headache from the mental tug of war. Her head also wasn't appreciating the painfully bright morning sun in her eyes as she was trying to figure out if she should stake...Spike! 'It's all sunny, and he's still out there!' Buffy ran out her door and flew down the stairs. She flung open the front door just in time to see Spike's huddled form catching fire.  
  
"Spike! Oh, god!" Buffy yelled as she grabbed his smoldering collar and dragged him inside. Or tried to, anyway. He bounced off the invisible barrier. Buffy was so confused and frantic that she just kept trying to pull him inside. Finally it hit her, and she quickly yelled, "Damnit, you're invited in, you stupid vampire!" With that, her tugging paid off and she hauled his form over the threshold. She quickly slammed the door and ran to the living room. She returned with a blanket and patted out the remaining flames that hadn't gone out on their own. Spike just laid there in her foyer, smoking.  
  
Buffy knelt down beside him and looked at him curiously. His eyes were closed, but since he wasn't dust, she knew he was alive. But he was badly burned. His face and hands had the brunt of the damage, but she could tell that where his clothes had burned away, his torso and legs had some injuries too. She touched a particularly nasty spot on his face and his eyes jerked open. He looked at her strangely.  
  
"This is hell, isn't it? I knew it!" Spike winced as he tried to chuckle. "I knew wherever I ended up, there you'd be. My heaven or my torment." Spike tried to sit up, but putting his weight on his hands hurt too much so he just laid back down.  
  
"Get a grip, Spike. You're not dead. Though you should be. Don't know why I didn't just let you barbecue yourself out there." Buffy grabbed Spike's arm and hoisted him up. Spike hissed at her harsh grip. She eased up a bit.  
  
"Hey, still, points for intent. Not my fault you didn't let me get all dusty. So you believe me now, right? You wanted me to prove it, and I did. Or at least I would have if you'd let me."  
  
Buffy looked down and said quietly, "I believe you, Spike. Doesn't change how I feel, though."  
  
Spike sighed, "No. I don't imagine it would."  
  
Buffy looked up at Spike, who avoided her gaze. "Come on, let's get you upstairs. I don't want my family knowing you're here. And we better do something about your burns. Kind of my fault...sorta. But not really."  
  
"No, luv, it's ok. I'll just make a dash for the sewers. Wouldn't say no to borrowing a blanket though."  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows at Spike and looked his body over. "You can barely stand. Don't tell me you're not in pain. I don't think you'd make it to the end of the front walk, much less the sewers."  
  
Spike was indignant. "Hey, I can manage just fine. And what do you care anyway? You're the one who wanted this, remember? Crispy fried Spike. And yeah, I'm in a soddin' lot of pain, but it was worse last night. Next time, just let me dust, ok? Or are these lovely open flesh wounds enough to prove my love this time?" Buffy was bristling, but he continued. "You know, I decided last night that I'd just rather not be in this world anymore, if all I was going to get from you was hate and disgust. I mean, looking at you in love and just getting a glare full of revulsion in return isn't how I imagine spending the rest of my long unlife."  
  
"What do you want me to say, Spike? That I love you? Because I don't. I brought you in from out there because I don't want you dead. That's about all I can give you at this point. It's more than you had last night. You don't even have to leave Sunnydale, because frankly, I'm used to the annoyance that is you. Not really crazy about it, but I can accept it. And yeah, I see that you love me. Fine, I accept that too. But Spike, if you're going to be here, hanging around my life, you have to get over it. Or at least accept that I can't return your feelings. Because while I can put up with you, I can't put up with a moony you. Now, go upstairs so I can fix you up. And be quiet, my mom and Dawn are still asleep, and I'm so *not* in the mood to explain you." Buffy folded her arms and waited for Spike to say something.  
  
Spike just hung his head and started up the stairs. The pain of moving was great, and he cringed with every step. Buffy softened a little at his plight and moved in behind him. She put a supporting hand on his back, trying not to take in the smell of burned leather and flesh. With much effort, Spike finally made it to the top. Buffy led him to her room and shut the door. She looked at him and shook her head.  
  
"Ok, first order of business is different clothes. Those are goners." She dug through her drawers and pulled out some large sweatpants and a big t- shirt. "And definitely a shower, because you reek! I mean, you usually smell like leather and smoke, but not this way!" Buffy blushed a little at the idea of Spike knowing that she noticed how he usually smelled. Spike just nodded mutely. Buffy gingerly took his arm and led him into the bathroom. She got out towels and guest soap for him. She turned the shower on cool. "Well, I'm sure some cool water will feel good on your burns. Don't scrub or anything, that will only make them worse I think. Just try to get the smoky smell out. There's shampoo in there, too. And I'm afraid you're on your own here. The Buffy assistance program ends when nakedness is involved." Buffy blushed again at the thought of naked Spike. She also noticed how much she was talking. And how quiet Spike was. "Are you ok? You're unusually quiet for...well, you!"  
  
Spike just looked at her in irritation, "Fine, Slayer."  
  
"Cranky vampire! What's wrong? I thought you'd love being in my house, showering in my shower, being invited into my bedroom."  
  
"Look, the faster we do this, the faster I can get out of your hair, right? So I'll shower, you'll fix me up, and I'll be on my merry way." Spike wore a very harsh expression.  
  
"Ok, fine. Geez, just trying to...nevermind." Buffy turned and left, closing the door behind her.  
  
By the time Spike came out of the bathroom, Buffy had already gotten dressed and tried to make herself decent with what she had in her room. She didn't relish the idea of hanging out with Spike in her jammies. Just a little too informal. A little too intimate. She jumped a bit when he knocked lightly on her door. She opened it and he entered, keeping his head down. His hair was glistening and she noticed as he passed that he smelled much better. She gave herself a mental smack on the head for noticing at all. 'Hey, he's still a guy. I can appreciate how a guy smells!' Spike held his burnt clothes in a wad in his hands. Buffy pointed to her garbage can. He tossed them in. He laid his duster on her bed.  
  
"That too! It's got holes in it now and it smells like burned cow flesh! It's gone." Buffy made a move to grab it and Spike intercepted her.  
  
"Not bloody likely. I don't care how it looks or smells, it's not yours to toss."  
  
"Fine, but I'm putting it on the window sill so it can air out a little. God, this stinks!" Spike let Buffy take it to the window.  
  
"Ok, let's get you taken care of. I've got this aloe stuff that's supposed to make burns feel better. Soothe and stuff."  
  
"Right, whatever." Spike sat on her bed, and winced again.  
  
Buffy frowned. "It really hurts, doesn't it? I mean, it looks so painful. I can't even imagine." Buffy started to apply the green gel to some of the worst injuries. His hands looked mangled. The entire right side of his face was marred with bright red burns, and he tensed when she touched them. She gently rubbed the aloe on his neck, and blew on the burns to cool them. "Take off your shirt. I know there are some bad ones on your chest."  
  
Spike shook his head. "'s fine, Slayer. I'll heal up all the same." His head drooped, and she could tell he was tired. He had sat out there all night, which was ok, because he was a creature of the night anyway. But now was his sleeping time. And he'd never make it to his crypt.  
  
"Spike...look, don't read more into this than there is, but I want you to stay here. Get a few hours sleep and regain your strength. You can stay until sunset if you want. You just have to keep quiet. I'll go get you some blood, I know that'll help you heal faster."  
  
Spike shook his head again. "No, Slayer. Not gonna impose." He yawned. "Well, maybe I could just take a quick nap. Really a bit knackered. Just a few minutes, if it's not too much trouble." Spike was already looking towards Buffy's pillow with longing.  
  
Buffy smiled, "It's fine. Sleep as long as you need." Spike crawled towards the pillows, flipped over to his back and collapsed in exhaustion.  
  
Buffy walked toward the window to make sure no sun could get through. She gave a thought to tossing the duster out the window, but Spike seemed to sense it.  
  
"Don't even think about it, Slayer." Buffy looked over at him innocently, but his eyes were closed so the expression was lost on him.  
  
Buffy left the room and shut the door quietly. She shook her head and let out a weary sigh. Her life was by no means normal, and it was looking to get a lot more complicated if she was going to have to deal with a lovesick vampire. Buffy headed downstairs and tried to think up a convincing 'breakfast gone wrong' lie to explain the still lingering smoke smell.  
  
**  
  
TBC-whatcha think? 


	4. Changes

Spike rolled off the bed when he was sure Buffy was downstairs. He groaned as his burns reminded him of how she wanted him to 'prove' his love. 'Sick, sadistic bitch. God, I love her. But I do have my pride. Or at least what little Dru left me with. I'm the Slayer slayer, not the Slayer's whipping boy. She doesn't want me, fine. But I'm not going to hang around so she can lessen her guilt.' With that, Spike grabbed his duster and the blanket Buffy kept folded at the foot of her bed. He put the duster on gently, as to not aggravate the burns. Then he gave one last glace around Buffy's room, knowing this would be the last time he was here. He spotted a little notepad on the dresser and ripped off a page. He scribbled on the paper and set it on Buffy's pillow. Spike wrapped the blanket around him and braced himself for the arduous trek out the window and off the roof, to finally make his dash for the sewers.  
  
To Buffy's surprise, she had managed to air out the house pretty well by the time her mother came down.  
  
"Morning, Sweetie. You're up early! You *do* know it's a Saturday, right?" Joyce said as she accepted the cup of coffee Buffy handed her.  
  
"Sure, I just thought, why lay in bed when there's so much I could be getting done!" Buffy sounded almost *too* cheerful. Joyce gave her a strange look.  
  
"Honey, are you feeling well? I mean, you're a college gal who's up at 7:00am on a Saturday. I don't think we'll see Dawn for another 3 or 4 hours!"  
  
"Well, high school kids, what do they know? Sleeping their lives away! Besides, I wasn't out too late patrolling last night. I got a good night's sleep." Joyce gave her a knowing look.  
  
"Uh huh. Why do I have this feeling that this all has to do with a certain guy?" Buffy's eyes widened.  
  
"What? No. No guy. No guy!"  
  
"Sweetie, Riley hasn't been gone that long. You can't tell me that it doesn't still upset you. Couldn't sleep, could you?"  
  
"Oh, Riley, yeah. I guess...you got me. I just thought if I kept up appearances no one would worry about me. I do miss him, though." Buffy *did* miss him, he just wasn't at the forefront of her thoughts at the moment.  
  
"Buffy, it's perfectly natural to miss him. He was a really great guy. And so things didn't work out, it's not the end of the world. We'll get through this together. I know it seems hard now, but I promise it will get better." Joyce gave Buffy a gentle squeeze as she rounded the counter.  
  
"I know. I just...ah, I'm gonna go take a shower. Get ready for the day. I have some errands to run. Did you need anything while I'm out?"  
  
"Oh, I'll call in my prescription, if you don't mind going by the pharmacy. Only if it's not out of your way"  
  
"No, that's fine. The headaches still bad?" Buffy frowned in concern.  
  
"Oh, not so bad. I just want to make sure I have some pills around if it starts to get really unpleasant up there." Joyce pointed to her head for emphasis.  
  
"Ok. I won't be too long getting ready."  
  
Buffy sighed as she turned the knob to her room. She was sure Spike would be out cold, but she hated taking the chance of waking him. She'd just sneak in and grab some clothes and slip back out. As she slowly opened the door, she noticed how bright it was inside. She flung the door open the rest of the way to find an empty room. No Spike. No dust, so he hadn't followed through with his 'proof.' 'God, I was so stupid to tell him to do that. How did I know he would actually try it?' Buffy walked over to the window and pulled the blinds down. 'At least he took his stinky duster with him.' She turned toward the bed and noticed the note.  
  
--Slayer, borrowed your blanket. You'll get it back.--  
  
"Quite the wordsmith there, Spike." Buffy chuckled as she tossed the note back on the bed. 'Well, whatever. He's out of my hair. I just hope he doesn't do anything stupid.' That thought made Buffy worry. She knew she shouldn't worry for Spike, not after what he'd done to her. After what he'd almost let Dru do to her. But she still couldn't shake the image of him bursting into flames on her front porch. Because he loved her. She shook her head, unable to wrap it around such a concept. 'Ok, so a quick swing by his crypt to make sure he's ok. Not that I care, just...' Buffy stopped trying to rationalize and decided to take a shower.  
  
Buffy decided to be polite and *not* kick in Spike's door. She pushed it open gently, the hinges creaking at the movement.  
  
"Spike?" Buffy waited for a reply that didn't come. She shut the door slowly behind her and let her eyes adjust to the darkened room. She spotted her blanket folded neatly on the back of Spike's lazy chair. She walked over and picked it up. It smelled a little smoky, but looked no worse for the wear.  
  
"Oh, hey, I was gonna get that back to you. Didn't expect you'd miss it that much." Spike startled her. She looked up to see him coming from the lower level. He was carrying a duffel bag.  
  
"Planning a vacation? Hellmouth not exotic enough for you?" Buffy tried to be cheery, but she found herself very uncomfortable. Spike held up the bag and looked at it for a moment.  
  
"Just...respecting your wishes, pet. Getting out of town." Buffy frowned, he looked very serious.  
  
"Yeah, right. Like all it takes is me telling you to leave. Never tried that one before!"  
  
"Well, things are different now. I don't find it very becoming mooning after someone who doesn't want me. Did that bit with Dru before, and you can see where that got me." Spike had a very cold edge to his voice that disturbed Buffy.  
  
"Spike, you don't have to leave. I already told you that."  
  
"Oh, the fair Slayer is deigning to let me stay? How honored I am. Sorry, pet, I can't agree to your terms. You expect me to just get over you like some schoolboy with a crush? I'm not like your soldier boy who can just up and decide he doesn't want you anymore. I'm a vampire. Our ideas of love and commitment are just a bit different from a human's. I was with Dru for a hundred years. What did you get? Maybe a year out of Captain America before he scampered off? The boy doesn't know what it means to commit. The first hint of trouble and he's gone. And then-" Spike's tirade was cut short by a right cross.  
  
"Don't you ever talk about Riley that way. You don't know him. You have no idea what happened with us." Spike sniffed and rubbed his jaw.  
  
"No, but I do know he's not here. That wholesome, all-American farmboy split. And who's left? The soulless, evil thing that can't love."  
  
Buffy pointed at his duffel bag. "Not for long, apparently." 'Why are you arguing with him?? You *so* don't want him to stay.'  
  
Spike chuckled and shook his head. "Pet, if I thought for one second you wanted me to stay...if I thought you wanted me here for anything more than being a punching bag or informant, you'd never get rid of me. I'm not like those other guys, luv. I don't leave when things get hard. But I'm also not going to stay here and get every last shred of dignity I have stomped on. Even by you, Slayer." Spike made himself busy tossing random items in his bag. He didn't even seem to be paying attention to what he threw in, more trying to have something else to do besides look at Buffy.  
  
Buffy felt bad. She knew he was more than she told him he was. She could see plainly he had feelings that she was hurting. "Spike..."  
  
"Look, Slayer, there's nothing left to be said. And besides, you got the problems with your mum, taking care of the Nibblet. You don't need me hanging around, causing you more grief. Just look after them, and be glad I'm out of your hair."  
  
Buffy laughed, but there was no humor in it. "Oh, so now you're leaving for my own good? That's novel. Never heard of that one. Glad you thought it up."  
  
Spike sighed, "I'm leaving for a lot of reasons, pet. I'm just glad you'll get a little benefit out of it. And don't tell me the Scoobies won't be thrilled that I'm gone."  
  
"This isn't about them. This is about you and me. And despite all your talk about loving me and being different from the others, you're still leaving. So, no, you're not so different." Buffy knew she shouldn't be saying these things, but her emotions were in control now, and thinking about Angel and Riley always made her irrational.  
  
"Bloody hell, woman! First you tell me to go, then you tell me to stay. You tell me to get all nice and cozy with Mr. Sunshine, and then you won't let me go through with it. I can see why the others left. You're bleedin' insane!"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath and pushed down her anger. "I'm not telling you to stay. I'm just not ready for you to leave yet." Buffy sighed and sat on the lazy chair. "You're right. I have a lot of stuff going on in my life, and none of it consistent. But you, you're one of the few things I can count on. I can count on you to annoy me and to drive me absolutely nuts. But you've also always been there when I've needed anything. Even though I mostly had to pay you, you never said no. Even with all the grief I gave you. I don't understand why when I try so hard to drive you away, you won't go. That's something I've never known before. Usually I tried so hard to keep people from leaving, but the ended up gone anyway. And you...you wouldn't go, no matter how much I wanted you gone." Buffy held her head in her hands.  
  
Spike walked up to her and kneeled in front of her. "Buffy? Buffy, look at me." Spike reached out and lifted her chin with his forefinger. Her face showed confusion. "You want me to stay?" Buffy nodded almost imperceptibly. "Then you have to give me something. Something more than just status quo."  
  
Buffy frowned. "Spike, I can't give you what you want. I'm sorry, I just can't."  
  
Spike nodded. "I know. But how about what *you* want? You want me around for more than just punching and paying, right?" Another small nod. "Then just tell me what you want from me."  
  
Buffy shook her head. "I don't know. That's just it. I should want you to leave. I should have let you burn up this morning. It's my job, I'm the Slayer and you're a vampire." Spike nodded, complete openness showing in his eyes. "But I can't *do* my job. And it's not just because of the chip. I don't know. I guess I want...My friends, I can't really talk to them sometimes. They're just...people. And not that I'm not a person, but I'm not like them. I'm different. And so are you. We're not the same, you and I, but I don't think either one of us has anyone we can talk to about being more than human. Giles comes the closest to understanding, because it's his job to understand. But..."  
  
"It's not the same. Not the same as talking to someone who was forced into this life, right? The others, they have a choice. They could walk away from it if they wanted to, but not you and me. We were put into our roles, we didn't choose them." Buffy nodded, a small smile of gratitude on her face. 'Someone finally gets it.' "Would you have chosen to be the Slayer, if you could?"  
  
Buffy raised her eyebrows. "Now that's a loaded question! I don't know. So much goes into it. I guess it's a good thing that it's not a choice, otherwise I'm not sure anyone would do it! What about you? Do you ever wish you hadn't been turned?"  
  
Spike smiled slightly. "Talk about loaded. I don't know. I do know if I were a human I'd have a better chance with you, but then again, I'd be rotting in a grave somewhere, so probably not." Buffy chuckled, and Spike glowed at seeing her smile. "A lot of what I like about myself is because I'm a vamp. Not sure I'd be willing to give that up. Strength, speed, this gorgeous face forever...it's a pretty good package deal." Spike smiled at Buffy. She laughed at him.  
  
"Ah, you got the deluxe package, complete with vanity. Nice choice. Thought I gotta tell ya, the face isn't faring too well right now." Buffy reached up and gently touched his burns. Spike stilled her hand and laid it on her lap.  
  
"The face will be fine. Back to it's dashing form in no time."  
  
"I'm sorry about that. That was pretty harsh of me. Telling you to sit out in the sun..."  
  
Spike shrugged. " 'S ok, pet. I'm used to women being cruel to me. Wouldn't want to shatter my illusions and make me think women can actually be nice, now would we?"  
  
Buffy smiled sadly. "Spike, I'm going to try to be nicer to you. What you did, downstairs, I know it's just...your way of...doing things. Not that I'm ok with it, but I kind of understand. I should have remembered that's how you are."  
  
Spike shook his head. "It's not how I am, pet. I was desperate and I went off the deep end. And well, frankly, I've been with Drusilla for too long. Kind of forgot what's acceptable with normal girls. But I knew better than that. It was a mistake that I'm so very sorry about."  
  
"Ah, forget it. What girl hasn't dreamed of being chained up in a crypt filled with vampires?" Spike raised an eyebrow at that and chuckled. "JOKE, buddy. Don't get any ideas." Buffy pointed at the duffel bag. "So, you still going? I can understand if you do. I haven't really given you any reason to stay."  
  
Spike stood up and looked down at her thoughtfully. "You want me to stay because I can give you something no one else can. Can't think of a better reason. And you're going to be nicer to me, don't think I didn't hear that. Icing on the cake. But, pet, do know that I'm not going to stop loving you. I know you don't feel like I do, so I'll try not to make you uncomfortable. But it'll always be there. You want me around, it's something *you'll* have to deal with. It's not going away."  
  
Buffy nodded as she stood in front of him. "Sounds like a deal. I'll be nicer to you, and you don't get all moony around me. And maybe somewhere in between we can be...friends?"  
  
Spike laughed. "Friends? How ambitious of you, luv. How about we shoot for 'not mortal enemies' first? Then we'll see where that gets us."  
  
Buffy smiled and extended her hand. "Sounds good." Spike took her hand gently and brought it to his lips for a chaste kiss.  
  
Spike watched Buffy leave with something akin to giddiness. Inside he felt like he could burst at what had just transpired. The Slayer had actually said she needed him. *Wanted* him, in fact. He collapsed in his chair, his legs no longer able to hold him.  
  
Buffy left the crypt with an incredible sense of relief. She had made peace with Spike and could actually envision tolerating his company. More than tolerate, she almost looked forward to it. 'Being nice to him won't be that bad. He's a decent enough guy when you take away the smirk and swagger.' She silently hoped she'd get to see more of him like that, all open and endearing. 'Although the smirk and swagger can be damned sexy sometimes. NO! This is Spike...just friends...for now.' She still couldn't explain her sudden change in attitude about Spike, but she knew better than to fight it. He was a loyal guy when her life was lacking that presence. Xander was like a brother, Giles a father figure. She just wanted a 'guy' around. Not necessarily for romance, just for friendship. And he did understand what it was like to be cast your lot in life instead of getting to choose it like everyone else. He understood her, and while it made part of her uneasy, another part was strangely comforted. No one ever understood her. But Spike did. And he would always be there. And Buffy finally realize that was a very good thing.  
  
**  
  
The End!  
  
I never intended this to be very long, and I don't want to put all the good Spuffiness I have in my head just in this story. I know it could go on, but I have bigger plans for my longer fic The Gift Redux, which is very Spuffy- centric. I don't want to give less attention to my other fics than they warrant and I don't want to leave them hanging, so I'm gonna try and wrap them up. If there's one thing I hate, it's creating a fic that will never be done! 


End file.
